she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
