woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.