There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
