i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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