I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
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Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
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Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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