I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
