I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
