You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
