guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We left the knife in your bed.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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