someone threw a dead crab at me
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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