Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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