Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
