Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
