we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
