I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Randomize
