I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
