bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
