whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
