my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
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Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
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How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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