wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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