how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
