walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
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i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
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random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.