I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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