He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
