mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
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