I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
