I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
