Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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