The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
