Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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