after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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