I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Let's paint friendship bongs
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
