I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
