In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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