I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
