just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
