i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
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