I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Randomize
