I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
