I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
