You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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