y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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