Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
