no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
