whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
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And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
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Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.