uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
