totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
