Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
