no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
