Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
