I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls