I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.