he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
