Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
