We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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