I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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