Whats the glycemic index on semen?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
don't judge my taste in strippers
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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