I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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